I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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