Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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