a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
