Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
