DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
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We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
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I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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