I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
