if i can run in heels then i can drive
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
