Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
