i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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