Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
