Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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