You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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