i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Randomize
