That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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