my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
