i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
