Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I licked your asshole in confidence.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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