He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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