i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
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