Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
