I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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