Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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