just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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