it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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