there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Randomize
