remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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