Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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