A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
