She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
