Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you didnt know i had herpes?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
