He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
