My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
