mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
