drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
