i need an iv and a liver transplant
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
