Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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