Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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