Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
