Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
