So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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