What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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