I can't watch pbs sober anymore
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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