I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
