Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
