U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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