ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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