I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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