Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
