He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
