you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
