the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
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