You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
