I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
