textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
