If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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