And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
