9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
